(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
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I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
my facial care routine has some really good, expensive products that my dog licks off right after
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
#Caturday
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
if you give a mouse a fish, he’ll eat for a day
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht