Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.

When someone trying to leave me

yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth

Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.

[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?

Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!

hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.

If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.

when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: I’m not eating this piece of apple until you take the skin off.

Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes

Me, a pilot:

“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”

In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them

Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:

cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws

Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.

Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.

Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls

An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.

Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.

Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.

I am religious. I religiously avoid church.

“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”

Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park

I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile

If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.

ㅤ

[Plastic surgeon’s office]

Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*

Secretary: what the hell was that?

Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill

Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.

How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?

Fun fact:

Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.