Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They’re called werewolves.

I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.

I was young. It was a different time.

Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.

Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white panties

Me: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…

Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them

You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.

*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP

my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”

Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.

My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy

INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat

ME: omg was I supposed to bring one

My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.

Husband: What are they?

Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions

Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.

[being strangled]

me: wait stop

murderer: what

me: did u wash your hands

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.

The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good

[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”

The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself

me: we should tell our son he’s adopted

wife: but he isn’t

me: I know but I’m bored

“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”

I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)

Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.

Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree

People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.

[home depot]

ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock

HER: Boulder

ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK

Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.

Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.

Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up

[In cubicle at work]

*pretends to start clipping my nails*

*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*

CW: WTF!

Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.

Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast

Pet toad: WHAT