If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
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When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?
When a shoelace touches your ankle
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
do what now??
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.