the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
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wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.