Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness

My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped

my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy

you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand

DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?

ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there

This one’s “Alex”.

Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me

There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture

If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?

I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.

If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦‍♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦‍♂️😏🤦‍♂️😉🤦‍♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.

Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.

A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves

Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.

Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.

My kid: You know what I’m thinking??

Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?

How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl

Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.

I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.

I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.

I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.

I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.

PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over

Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.

Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped

Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?

WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE

COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem

i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor

Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.

The Struggle

[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing

[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]