Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Finally got to tell Tilda Swinton that I named my car after her, a 2006 Subaru Forester. And she acted like I just gave her an Oscar: “A robust beast! Can take a beating! Great in water!” Bless you, you beautiful being. ❤️❤️❤️

I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.

Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:

Why aren’t you helping me??

*starts to help*

You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!

I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.

[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]

Me: it’s a little cold 😤

Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring

Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently

[restaurant]

me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*

I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.

A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid

Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.

teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker

[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]

“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”

Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.

I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!

Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.

‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.

When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying

I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace

I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.

Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home

Cats are still liquid.

Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?

My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”

Batman: what’s your power

Superman: *removes glasses*

Batman: woah where’d the nerd go

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

Phones down.

Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”

My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”

Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.