Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
You Might Also Like
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Bob is my nickname. Robert is my nicholasname
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
it must be school picture day
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.