an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
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Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
this post was so formative to me
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.