Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
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Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
it’s finally my moment to shine
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
ios update: we’ve changed the keyboard size just slightly again. good luck!
me: god danb ut
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.