Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
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I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Text a coworker at a random time “are you joining this meeting?” as a fun holiday prank
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.