Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
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‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Used to be a hairdresser. Once when trimming a bob my pinkie finger slipped into the clients mouth. Awkward eye contact ensued. We’ve been married 24 years. Only joking, he never came back to the salon.
I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
This is the coolest video you will see today.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
The trick to keeping Canadian bacon from curling in the frying pan is to take away their little brooms
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace