From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
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[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Opened my notes app and instead of finding MY notes, which I’ve saved on each iPhone I’ve had since 2017, I found SOMEONE ELSE’S NOTES.
These mystery notes include three local numbers, a password, and a SSN… Among less savory things.
BUT WHERE IS MY FINNISH NISSU BREAD RECIPE
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
“Be careful. That ice is slippery” – Everyone after you slip on ice.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?
Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
My Uber driver has crazy rules. I can talk, but anything I say can be used against me in a court of law?
It’s also kind of alarming that he has a full laptop setup and a shotgun in his front seat.
The cuffs I understand. Never can be too careful.