I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
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Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Monopoly gave me unrealistic expectations of how easy it would be to:
1) Find free parking
2) Join the property ladder
3) Buy my way out of prison
4) Get bank errors in my favour
5) Steal money from banks when no-one was looking
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.