date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
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me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
You know you have a bag of frozen peas in the freezer that looks like this. Don’t lie.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
rebranding
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing