Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?

Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster

[ Playing with Ouija board ]

Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.

Doritos – my own personal love triangles.

Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.

Now hold it.

Hold it…

Hold it….

Hold it…

Keep holding it…

Die.

In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends

The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.

*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.

Everyone: *gasp*

Me: Just kidding you all are.

*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT

every. time.

Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.

The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?

My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.

Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.

7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.

Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.

I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.

Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.

Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.

Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?

When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.

I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,

Smiling

You know what’s coming next..

It’s your turn to do the laundry

interviewer: why do you want this job?

me: i’m a job guy. love jobs

Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.

Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.

How high do the levels go?

Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.

Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?

Me: Yes, Your Majesty.

Judge: Your Honor.

Me: Oh, Thank you….

I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”

DAD: please help find my daughter

DETECTIVE: what does she look like

DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW

The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled