Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.

I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.

applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”

You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.

Cop lights are so pretty at night

My worst case scenarios:

•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.

When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it

ㅤ

gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home

I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up

I forced her to tell me what I was to her

Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored

I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.

A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for

i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke

I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.

Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.

So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?

Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.

I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.

Breakfast for Stoners:

The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.

Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.

Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?

The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off

When they try to steal your moment.

[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.

my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…

Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch

STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.

Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make

Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.

Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*

Me: Dammit.