I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
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me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
In honor of the fall equinox I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
#catsoftwitter
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
i shaved my chupacabra for this?
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
