No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
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The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
i smell a pulitzer
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
nature’s most graceful animal
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
My zodiac sign is pistachio
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!