Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
You Might Also Like
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
There’s always that one guy
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)