Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.

Live a little.

When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.

ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?

WIFE: The washing machine

This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.

Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”

“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager

Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce

Me: Ohh no! What happened?

Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.

You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.

There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.

[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.

the hypocrisy of humans judging a cat for hunting a bird like they’re not ordering chicken nuggets with zero remorse

For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you

I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.

Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?

2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.

2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”

Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.

depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound

Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’

Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.

It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.

The more you know.

If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs

Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?

Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*

Judge: Case dismissed.

When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.

This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.

All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.

I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.

Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday

Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed

I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.

Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.

I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.