Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?

Him: It’s five dollars.

cop: you know why i pulled you over

me: …no ?

cop: come on dude

me: maybe i had a few too many–

cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk

me: i–

cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there

me: a beloved member of my family died

college professor: show me the body or take the quiz

me: *having prostate examination*

doc: omg, when was this last wiped?

me: WHAT

doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady

What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”

ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimme

wikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO

“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center

DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil

I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.

“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”

Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!

*checks the date*

It’s 15 years younger than me.

Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.

[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*

I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.

so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.

If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.

Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying

Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.

Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.

[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.

using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism

Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.

4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next

I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.

When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.

Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?

I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…

The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs

(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide

“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”

“Don’t you mean flirt?”

*starts florting*

“OMFG. WTF is that?!”

Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.

My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.