Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.

My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose

If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.

Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person

Friend: really?

Me: well apparently not

me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it

Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice

If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.

My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….

I’m a perfektionist, this is expozure therappy

Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today

Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.

Me: Send prudes.

Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?

Me: What? Ew. No.

Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.

I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.

I have the impulse control of a random number generator.

I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??

Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.

I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.

bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.

Boss: you look a bit lost

Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you

Boss: About what

Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening

[on the phone]

Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.

CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?

60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂

I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.

If you factor in the complimentary drinks, I only lost 3000 dollars at blackjack.

I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.

Mistakes married men make:

1. Doing things.

2. Not doing things.

3. Thinking about doing things.

4. Not thinking about doing things.

cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*

sneezy geese carry a honkerchief

*Sneezes*

Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk

My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…