Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.

It just seems like one would see a lot more data while flying through the clouds.

Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.

I promise to sing for you.

Then you can decide what’s worse.

I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.

That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.

And we’re off! To an unreasonable start

You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.

*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well

*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually

One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”

A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too

“the hills are alive”

“OH MY GOD HEAD FOR THE OH NOOOO I MEAN HEAD AWAY FROM THE”

“with the sound of music”

“OH GOD THE HILLS ARE GOING TO EAT US AND ALSO THEY ARE SINGING RUN FASTER!!!!”

Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions

Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.

me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active

doctor: i don’t really need to

me: wait why

doctor:

me:

doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t

My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Make it worse by saying they look tired.

how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day

4 AM

BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there

Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.

Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.

Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.

I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that

Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”

Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”

how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday

*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*

11: can I see one of your last tweets?

Me: *pulls up tweet*

11: no, I meant a funny one

7: mom look I got my math test back!

me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!

7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?

me: …like I said, said proud…

Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”

Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”

Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?

Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails

mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200

me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay

it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund