“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
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Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.
*grabs mixing bowl*
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Made something I’m not proud of
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
There is no “we” in pizza
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline