“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
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[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
My partner bought a CD player that we can plug into our car so we can play our CDs and the Amazon listing features the following images. 💀💀💀
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Is this a threat?
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club