I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
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Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Idk what’s worse about today’s meeting, nearly falling asleep on camera or realizing 3/4 of the way through that I had a pimple patch on my face 😂🤦🏼♀️
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
“you gotta put yourself out there” I declare confidently as I remove my pants on the bus
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Story of my life…..
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
lol
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.