My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
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Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Noticed that 9/11 and Friday the 13th are both next week and briefly had the dumb thought “it’ll be weird when they fall on the same day.”
The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
one week till the election
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids
me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.