me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
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I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
