Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7-year-old: I found a penny.

Me: Good job.

7: How many more do I need for college?

“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies

@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”

A conversation between 2 vegans:

“I’m a vegan.”

“I’m a vegan too.”

“Oh.”

“So…you’re a vegan?”

“Yes, I am a vegan.”

“Me too.”

Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*

Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class

If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano

If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.

Me: you have a bug on your shoulder

Doug: a what?

Me: *clears throat* a boug

You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.

DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.

We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.

LITTLE MERMAID 2016:

SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!

ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*

(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school

I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face

MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS

1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS

[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now

I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle

i would wish you the best but i am the best

A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.

Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic

The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.

I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.

When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.

Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”

Him:

Me:

Him:

Me: Roarrrr… get it?

A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.

I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.

Me: What do you want to do tonight?

Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —

Me: *already asleep*

I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.

*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*

[Inside every wolf]

Me: Hey.

Me: Oh, hey.

The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.