This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
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(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?