Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.

You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.

I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts

Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?

[first day as astronaut]

*vomits

Me: That’s normal, right?

Instructor: Not during a written exam, no

Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶

Death Row inmate: how did you get in here

I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.

[first date]

Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey

Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman

Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible

I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”

[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff

Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.

terminator: come with me if you want to live

me:

terminator: I said–

me: I’m thinking

I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.

the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions

Therapist: What’s the issue?

Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club

Therapist: You want to talk about it?

Me: That’s right

Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: I usually stay pretty still.

At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.

Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.

I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.

you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart

My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?

My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.

Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.

“You want crumbs with that?”

-My bed, every night.

Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower

white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha

If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.

Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded

*gives date flowers*

Here. I murdered these plants for you.

*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*

Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?