A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
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GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
The charge in my beard trimmer died before I finished and I’ve never felt more sympathetic to women in my entire life.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.