My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
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Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
our neighborhoods continue to teem with violent migrant street gangs
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
🐕🍷
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
For the orator and chef in all of us
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill