If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
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We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
This is a whole mood;
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
(2022)
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Nurse: *places newborn in my arms*
Me: *has misplaced my coffee cup every morning for the last 9 yrs* I can do this.