Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
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WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Creepy-crawlies
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
What about a To-Don’t List?
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.