After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
You Might Also Like
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Them crunching noisily: These cookies you made are huge!
Me: those are chocolate chip pancakes
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
Ancient Romans: uh oh there’s someone at the door
Buffy, the Empire Slayer: knock knock