Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.

Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?

BIDEN: That went well.

OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?

BIDEN: It’s what I do.

Me: *giggling* No, you hang up

Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls

Her: tell me want I want to hear baby

Me: your order is on its way

Her: oh god, yes!

I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks

Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry

9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.

dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse

traffic be dumb as hell cause what that first person in line be doing

Me: Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.

Also me: No, $9.11 does not count.

You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do

I feel like not enough people are aware of how unhinged dunkin’s latest ad campaign is

9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.

[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?

[typing ellipses for a solid minute]

HER: yes

“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”

mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-

[From outside] LOOFAS!

any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them

If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.

Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night

Running your mouth is not cardio.

If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals

I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.

Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing

My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.

Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.

Temple Run is a really motivating game.

Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.

I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.

[restaurant]

ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny

WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans

CDC: i know u been shut in all week-

ME: im good

CDC: if you have to
go out-

ME: i wont

CDC: ok but if you really need-

ME: *puts headphones back in*

1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume

2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit