My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
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My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
I bet Wile E. Coyote went near suicidal when he discovered DoorDash after spending millions on delivery for ACME products.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.