Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
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What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Trumpy Cat
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
no one:
my cat: look, i am 56 years old and i used to be homeless so i think i’m entitled to eat just a little plastic,
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
What in the hipster hell is going on here
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.