Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti

Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that

I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.

Nobody:

5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?

I have questions??

11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?

Me: Just brush your teeth.

I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.

[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.

[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much

You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”

Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.

‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’

~ The monster under my bed

I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.

i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer

Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.

Thinking about that time when I was young and crank called an operator and she called me back because she was an operator.

The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.

Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try

A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.

Found a mystery grape in my building today. Gonna ask it questions like a crystal ball.

Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich

Me: You too!

Subway Guy:

Me:

Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now

you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.

I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.

i meant to share this earlier

My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,

So I stabbed him. Now we wait…

When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .

Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!

ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.

THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.

Me: *points to donut case*

Her: How many would you like, ma’am?

Me: Yes.

So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?

It’s not like I knew my fly was open!

In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.