Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your mother has terrible taste in children.

“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”

Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.

what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant

Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan

I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs

Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.

Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.

Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.

When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.

Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter

I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.

I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!

My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you

Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.

Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.

How was your night?

As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle

this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o

Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.

These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.

Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids

Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward

The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.

Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.

P.S. Bring a spider.

*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*

I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.

My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.

[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then

My worst case scenarios:

•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.

Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP

My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute

You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice