My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
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Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
I can’t stop laughing at this
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Someone wrote that today is like waiting for the results of a biopsy, except half your family hopes it’s cancer.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.