Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
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In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Fancy restaurants be like “This is technically toast, but we put fancy cheese and sprouts on it. That’ll be $30.”
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄