I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
You Might Also Like
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
lol
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*