“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
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“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
I ain’t wearing no wire
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit