Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
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Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.