A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Thank you cards only ever thank people for nice things they’ve actually done. This excludes people who don’t like doing things. We need cards that thank people for bad things they HAVEN’T done
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Speechwriter: I have your speech ready, sir. “87 years ago—“
Lincoln: Whoa whoa whoa hang on…
