My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
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Life hack
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
me working on my assignments ^-^
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
my 15 yo doesn’t understand why he gets diarrhea after he eats only Pepperoni sandwiches, ramen noodles and 37 pizza bagels every day. It’s a real damn mystery.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.