Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.

how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”

her: wow your armpit is really big

me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer

In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too

A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.

Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.

*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.

*crashes your wedding

Why aren’t you answering my DM?!

(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help

My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.

Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me

Me:

Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening

I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.

Me: I once ate undercooked chicken at a restaurant for months because I didn’t want to upset the server.

Them: Why…why didn’t you just stop ordering the chicken?

Me: Hindsight is 20/20, David.

*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then

Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.

When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug

sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory

Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes

What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.

My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them

ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?

Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2

me *breaking the fourth wall*

architect: oh no

I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.

I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.

[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”

My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.

In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.

I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.