Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!

My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.

You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.

Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick

If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.

Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.

Luke: OK.

Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.

I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch

Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs

me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.

doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.

me: i know but it’s so itchy.

I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.

“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.

Therapist: and what do we do about people who hurt us
Me: we go to a cemetery and fill up a jar of cemetery dirt, add a piece of their hair and fingernail clippings, add a chicken bone then scream at it for a month?
Therapist: NO

Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.

I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.

Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!

Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face

Prince Charming:

Friend:

Prince Charming: she left her shoe

*At the ouija board*

Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…

Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G

I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.

True story.

Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.

career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons

sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online

thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing

Him: I’m leaving you

Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?

Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…

Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁

[first date]

HER: I’m a really big cat person

ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat

Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!

This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper

Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.

I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑

Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.

BIDEN: That went well.

OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?

BIDEN: It’s what I do.

How about daylight saves us for once

When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”